i've never known a man who loved me\

i am infatuated with sufjan, as may be apparent from my blog. so i am back. i cried when i had to leave; once into my pillow when i woke up in flo's apartment, again in the airport as i traced the city's shadowy outline in the distance, and once more, embarrassingly, on the plane from jfk to dusseldorf (yes, it was a long journey home to london). i blame the third occasion partly on the fact that marley and me was the inflight entertainment.
i have now not slept for many many hours. give me a moment and i will calculate
..........
.........
........
.......
......
.....
....
...
...
..
.
35 hours.

i should be in bed now but i can't go. i just feel really strange. i don't know if i feel sad, just a bit like i have been compressed into a cube like a car in a scrapyard. i feel a bit like that, like suddenly i am in the claws of a machine, no longer free to wheel about like the liberated creature i was yesterday. i am winded and wounded. i cannot bear the idea of my travels being at an end. i will miss sleeping with citynoise and not being afraid to go anywhere and wondering who i will meet tomorrow. i will miss the open country and the sea and the view from the heights and those views from below where you feel like the smallest thing in the world. i will miss strange bodies and warm limbs and unforgettable faces (imprinted on moving filmstrips in my memory) and your accent and people not knowing who you are and those moments when all of a sudden you feel that you have learned something about who you are. new animals and winking lights and the ever-changing space above your head that is the weather and those things strung up in the sky between buildings and along power lines. the city lit heartbreakingly beautiful seen in nightviews from roofs and memories that hug you tight then leave you cold when they let go. exquisite sadness of realisation that we are all ultimately alone, but also that the best thing we've got is each other. warm friends. no man is an island. i'm sorry at how sentimental this is, but i can't help it. i'm still recovering from marley and me, for god's sake.


Goodbye, America. x